OK, so I am a self professed germaphobe.....In the great scheme of things I don't believe this is a moral choice but a sentence placed upon me at birth. Little bugs that attack my well being are cause to many a near panic attack over the course of my day. For instance when I use a public bathroom, I try to go about picking a stall systematically....Nope The Jackson Pollock painting the seat and corresponding wall are not a comfortable environment to defecate in. Not the next stall either as the previous occupant has decided that It was my birthday and left me a present...not wrapped.
Ah yes, third ones the charm (side note, what is it about having to poo that your fine until you have to cover the seat with a layer of 367 2x2 squares of 1 ply paper one at a time and you feel as though you are stopping the invasion of Normandy. I believe that if you can weather the oncoming army, then you can stop a bullet....just my opinion of course) although it smells like a urine factory, and old feet, I proceed with caution. I'm sorry but I have to admit I love to use the handicapped stall. The other few are so cramped I just cant feel comfortable in them and when I'm done the door opens in and I have to not rub the bowl with my exposed leg as I try to squeeze between it and the cold metal door. In the handicapped stall though, between waves you can stretch out, read the paper, play hopscotch, take a walk...hell some of these large stalls are bigger than my first apartment. The only way its not so comfortable is if a real handicapped person enters and needs the stall. Look, I don't condone my former solution to this uncomfortable exchange but for archiving purposes I'll tell you what I have done in the past. The nice gentleman in the wheelchair yells through the in opening door "Hey, this stall is for handicapped use only!" Panicking, I yell back "I am handicapped" So the gentleman rolls away to wait for me to exit....now what??? I just have to exit and face the music....Nah I just hobble out with my best limp and hunchback towards the door (I am so going to Hell!)...As you sit and read last weeks classified ads, (which someone has graciously left page 2 only) you worry that the 36 year old stall door will hold if someone wanders in and tries to open it. As good as you may think you look sitting on the pot, I'm sure you wont win any beauty pageants a spilling over the sides of a toilet paper littered, urine soaked toilet with a genuinely horrified look on your face. When you are done with the devils business, you have a problem. In order to get the bathroom to smell musty and urine-like, the kind folks at "The Taco Factory" have turned on the heater in the men's restroom, so after sitting for a good while your rear starts to sweat. When you are finished clearing the debris, you stand up only to realize that 216 of the 367 sheets are still attached to your ass... (the other 151 sheets fell into the toilet as you sat down so you were unknowingly bare-assed on the seat anyways.) so now what? Do you pluck them like feathers off a chicken...do you do the wiggle and dance the squares off your butt?? Do you do squat thrusts and hope they clump off??? I don't have the answer to this, let me know if you have this issue solved. OK, so now you flush...like a freakin' 747 talking off your toilet now is a roaring swirl of paper waste and doody. If you are like me you try to escape the ocean like spray of the bowl as it flies toward the heavens. So now your out...time to wash your hands. Id just as soon boil my hands but the leaky faucet with the push button should work. OK, so you push and 1-2 seconds of water come out....I really don't want to push the damn button again as I fear the gentleman before me may have ripped the toilet paper while wiping and gotten some sin on it. I'd grab some paper towels but they have the stupid blow nozzles on the wall....shit! Id grab some paper from the stall I just left but the 5 year old is in there with his Dad screaming about how his poo poo is bright green and why did the man who hobbled out of the stall before him leave a few scraps of paper in the bowl...Sorry Bobby, Next time Ill courtesy flush.
Ah yes, third ones the charm (side note, what is it about having to poo that your fine until you have to cover the seat with a layer of 367 2x2 squares of 1 ply paper one at a time and you feel as though you are stopping the invasion of Normandy. I believe that if you can weather the oncoming army, then you can stop a bullet....just my opinion of course) although it smells like a urine factory, and old feet, I proceed with caution. I'm sorry but I have to admit I love to use the handicapped stall. The other few are so cramped I just cant feel comfortable in them and when I'm done the door opens in and I have to not rub the bowl with my exposed leg as I try to squeeze between it and the cold metal door. In the handicapped stall though, between waves you can stretch out, read the paper, play hopscotch, take a walk...hell some of these large stalls are bigger than my first apartment. The only way its not so comfortable is if a real handicapped person enters and needs the stall. Look, I don't condone my former solution to this uncomfortable exchange but for archiving purposes I'll tell you what I have done in the past. The nice gentleman in the wheelchair yells through the in opening door "Hey, this stall is for handicapped use only!" Panicking, I yell back "I am handicapped" So the gentleman rolls away to wait for me to exit....now what??? I just have to exit and face the music....Nah I just hobble out with my best limp and hunchback towards the door (I am so going to Hell!)...As you sit and read last weeks classified ads, (which someone has graciously left page 2 only) you worry that the 36 year old stall door will hold if someone wanders in and tries to open it. As good as you may think you look sitting on the pot, I'm sure you wont win any beauty pageants a spilling over the sides of a toilet paper littered, urine soaked toilet with a genuinely horrified look on your face. When you are done with the devils business, you have a problem. In order to get the bathroom to smell musty and urine-like, the kind folks at "The Taco Factory" have turned on the heater in the men's restroom, so after sitting for a good while your rear starts to sweat. When you are finished clearing the debris, you stand up only to realize that 216 of the 367 sheets are still attached to your ass... (the other 151 sheets fell into the toilet as you sat down so you were unknowingly bare-assed on the seat anyways.) so now what? Do you pluck them like feathers off a chicken...do you do the wiggle and dance the squares off your butt?? Do you do squat thrusts and hope they clump off??? I don't have the answer to this, let me know if you have this issue solved. OK, so now you flush...like a freakin' 747 talking off your toilet now is a roaring swirl of paper waste and doody. If you are like me you try to escape the ocean like spray of the bowl as it flies toward the heavens. So now your out...time to wash your hands. Id just as soon boil my hands but the leaky faucet with the push button should work. OK, so you push and 1-2 seconds of water come out....I really don't want to push the damn button again as I fear the gentleman before me may have ripped the toilet paper while wiping and gotten some sin on it. I'd grab some paper towels but they have the stupid blow nozzles on the wall....shit! Id grab some paper from the stall I just left but the 5 year old is in there with his Dad screaming about how his poo poo is bright green and why did the man who hobbled out of the stall before him leave a few scraps of paper in the bowl...Sorry Bobby, Next time Ill courtesy flush.
6 comments:
You forgot to mention the time at Wendy's when you left wall art!
Hey Matt! Welcome to the Blogging world!!
And For what Leah said... Ew. I dont even want to know :D
As a fellow public toilet-phobe may I suggest a few veteran tips?
1. Don't go square by square. Most public toilets use that giant butt horseshoe shape with the center gap. Wrap that thing up like a mummy. Spiral around the entire two branches of Tritan's Spork.
2. Use the tissue seat covers on top of the tissue cushion. They are pretty useless normally but when you have that pseudo recliner thing going with the Scottie padding, those easily ripped tissue covers work great and they don't stick to your happy spanks.
I don't normally like to self promote on other people's blogs but I think you may enjoy my Toilet Rant blog.
you've been tagged...
Too funny! Leave it to a guy to make one of his first blogs about bathrooms and poo! :) Good work though--I laughed out loud!
That was a very funny post! People can really leave places in a state can't they!
Best,
AJN
http://adamjamesnall.blogspot.com/
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